It's My Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To!!

Today, I celebrate my 35th year in this world. I have been through a lot of challenges from when I was a kid till now.

To name a few:

- getting brand new clothes and not hand me downs from my older sister, Jenny,
- learning Math when I absolutely hate it.
- realizing that just because I am wearing a green and white striped shirt does not mean I have to wear green and white striped socks.
- to have the nerve to french kiss in front of the whole school because of peer pressure.
- how to deal with freshly permed hair that made me look like Whitney Houston.
- how to explain to the security guard why I had an unpaid pencil sharpener in my pocket.

Those are some of the obstacles I had to go through and were critical to my being who I am now. Today, I don't wear socks unless I do sports. No more permed hair. The calculator is my best friend. Use mechanical pencil. I still get hand me downs from Jenny but I don't really mind that anymore. It's actually a great thing. And the peer pressure? Nah...I think it is even quite exciting to french kiss in front of the public.

But as I have 25 minutes left on my 34th year, I think about what my Auntie Grace told me when she read my stars. She asked me what time I was born, date and year. She opened up her mega-thick book about my lifeline and she said that my lesson in life, is LOVE.

As she read this in front of my whole family, I watched everyone agree to the fact that I am a loser in the LOVE department. I have been through many boyfriends and all of them have failed. I don't mean it to fail, and I do try my best to keep it alive, unless of course I can sense no real future with them, but for the last love of my life, it has made me realize that darn, I do suck at this sport.

This game of love has really beaten me to a pulp. I am down on the ground, curled up, crying my eyes out, humbled.

In the beginning, I know that I am great at it. Hitting every ball back to my partner. The weather working with us and the audience even cheering us on. There were a few misses, occasional downpour but nothing to despair about. I would always somehow get the ball back in the air. In the middle of the session, I start to lose my grip. I get too focused on the game that I tend to forget to enjoy it. I begin to ask to make the exchange faster, a better racquet, more balls, brighter skies. In the end, not only do I lose the game, I lose the person I am playing with.

It's officially my birthday and I am now 35 years old. It's not the age that makes me mature but it is the experiences that I go through that toughens me up. My lesson in life is LOVE...but not how to love someone...because that I am an expert at. To love myself is what I don't know how to do. To see my worth and value. To be happy with just me. To actually NOT look for love because it will find me when I am most ready.

Sure, birthdays are supposed to be a joyous moment. A fun filled day with lots of cheers and laughter, gifts and more gifts. But this year, I cannot help but feel a bit sad. Alone. Somewhat defeated. In tennis diction, it's love in the love department. But then again, from where I am now, the only way to go is up.

It is my birthday, so let me cry if I want to.